Deadly dodgeballs

Photo credit | Michelle Kutsanov

MC students are excitedly lining up to make dodgeball teams with their academic acquaintances they call “friends”. The athletes are each delivered a contract that allows them to play in the ongoing tournament. In typical form, each now-proclaimed athlete scribbles away their rights, time, and fate without even thoroughly reading any of the contract’s lines— and fineprint.

Upon looking at the designated signature line, parents of these students think to themselves, “Oh just another permission slip to sign.” However, it is much more than that. While filling out these documents, students are selling their lives away.

Unaware of his fate, Super-senior Chad Janus is excited to play his sixth dodgeball tournament at MC.

“Yeah man, dodgeball is really fun. I don’t really care about selling my life away because I don’t really have one anyways. I just can’t wait to launch a ball at Keith’s face, that dude is so annoying” Janus said.

Parents are promising not to sue the school or district if their student gets obliterated by foam dodgeballs and dies. This has been a huge problem in the past.

“Dude, I was playing dodgeball sophomore year and two of my friends got hammered by dodgeballs and just dropped dead, eyes open and everything. It was a pretty traumatic experience, I guess,” Janus said.

Foam dodgeballs are dangerous, and there is quite a simple explanation for why. Physicist and graduate of Monsters University, Kerry Gooseman, explains the ballistic threat that they pose to a human body.

“When a dodgeball impacts with a human body, it creates a force perpendicular to the plane of resistance that has the same terminal accelerating kinetic energy as a large truck driving at 100 mph,” Gooseman said.

Dodgeballs are serious weapons and future regulations are closer than students might think. In fact, different groups of people are rising up to protect children from getting killed while playing dodgeball.

“I am working together with colleagues and friends who believe that dodgeball control laws need to be passed. Our first step is to target the NDA, or National Dodgeball Association, and get them to realize the harm they are doing to children,” Gooseman said.

Senior Mac Gentry looks her opponents dead in the eye
Photo credit | Michelle Kutsanov

Regulations, which the NDA are trying to stop from being passed, include banning certain colors and sizes of dodgeballs that are more threatening to people. In the meantime, PUSD Superintendent, Jack Doofus, informs parents that ultimate dodgeball is here to stay.

“Ultimate dodgeball has been a very fun and entertaining game at MC for students and will not be taken away. I am not concerned for the lives of students,” Doofus said.

In the future, ultimate dodgeball will pose as a highly discussed controversial issue. But for now, high school students will continue to drop like flies.

Written by Oskar Salminen

My name is Oskar Salminen and I am a junior at MC. I am 100% Finnish and have dual citizenship. Also, I love European cars.

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