Photo Courtesy of WBNG

The dark secret of Iceberg farmers

Romaine lettuce, the lettuce equivalent to American cheese singles,  has been reported by Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDCP) to have E. coli. The strain of bacteria can be contracted by being associated with cow manure or washed by contaminated water. The Food and Drug Administration (FDA) recommends that all retailers stop selling contaminated lettuce.

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Romaine lettuce | Photo Courtesy of WSB Radio

Americans are forced to find an alternative to fulfill their appetite for lettuce, which is where Iceberg lettuce comes in.

An unspoken rule of the lettuce kingdom is that Iceberg lettuce is always second-best compared to romaine.

“Iceberg lettuce has no place being in salads, with its crunchy-esque water  taste. Romaine will forever rule the lettuce Empire with its superior flavor,” Amy Bates said on her twitter account.

Suffering years of bullying by consumers, Iceberg farmers were pushed to their limit, which lead them to do the unthinkable: contaminate their competitors produce.

“We couldn’t handle the shame of Romaine lettuce  constantly selling out and our delicious water lettuce being left on shelves. So in the dead of the night, my fellow Iceberg farmers snuck onto Romaine farms, and brought some not-so fresh water. The giant egos we dealt with when seeing the Romaine farmers would soon vanish, this was the only way,” Andy Mannure, an Iceberg farmer confessed.

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An Iceberg lettuce farmer collecting manure to contaminate the Romaine | Photo Courtesy of

Salad-eaters begrudgingly began eating Iceberg lettuce, it seemed, as if the wicked plan was working. All was well for the Iceberg farmers, until Arugula became the replacement. It seems like there is no room for iceberg lettuce in this world. Looks like E. coli will be striking once again, but with Arugula lettuce.

However, such a blow will have surely impacted the romaine industry, and we will forever remember what Iceberg farmers are capable of.

Written by Leyana Nabi

Leyana Nabi is a junior and the sunburn editor for the MC Sun. She's always down for a good laugh and is an avid fan of the Mamma Mia movies.

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