There has Been an Update to Your Application*

Dear Deppreshun State University, 

Thank you for applying to be a part of my educational pursuits. I don’t regret to inform you that I cannot be a student at your university. 

I received offers from an overwhelming amount of extremely well-qualified institutions. Since I’m yet to discover a way to be in two places at once, I am only able to accept one university to be my next academic home. You did not stand out as an institution for many reasons, including but not limited to poor weather, try-hard quirkiness, not being credited for the cure of cancer, and a weird mascot. 

I hope you know that this is usually a very difficult decision on my part, but your case is special; unprecedented. Never before have I been more repulsed by an institution. You truly are a terrible applicant. 

Please don’t take this rejection as a reflection on your quality as an institution. You don’t need me to tell you how bad you are, it’s obvious enough as it is. 

Worst of luck in your future pursuits. 

(I’m the) Best, 

An overqualified student

_{*Inspired by a sarcastic conversation with MC Sophomore Hasita Kanamarlapudi}