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Lindy’s Declassified Holiday Survival Guide

It’s officially December which means the holiday season has begun. Instead of pumpkin spice flavoring invading everyone’s favorite treats, peppermint flavor has taken over. Emails are being stuffed from companies advertising record low sales, reminding consumers that they must go through the torture that is holiday shopping. As students brace to endure the holiday season, we hope this survival guide will bring you some ease.

1.Wear a beanie at all times. Everyone knows San Diego is known for its record breaking cold winters so the beanie will be able to keep you fighting against the threat of frostbite. Also, when your family members come over for holiday dinners, the beanie will help you fend off unwanted discussions. Once a family member inquires about college prospects, current relationships, or your grades, simply pull the beanie over your face, obstructing your view. If you can’t see them they can’t see you, and they will walk away, mystified at your disappearance.

  1. If you can’t decide on a gift for someone, just get all your friends and family ramen noodles. Even with stores lowering their prices, no store can beat Vons offering ramen noodles for only 25 cents. No need to stress about your bank account that reads $0.17, now you can just look between couch cushions to get the money needed to get a present for that special someone. Not to mention, ramen can keep everyone warm on the cold San Diego nights, and who doesn’t love noodles in salt water?
  2. Then there is the dilemma of the Holiday Meal™. All your extended family is here and brought their own  dishes and let’s face it it’s gross. No one wants to eat a fruit cake, Mary, why couldn’t you have just bought pie like a regular person? To avoid having to endure the horrendous food, simply tell everyone you are boycotting food. If they ask why you are boycotting, just give them a sly smile and they will be so uncomfortable they will leave you alone.
  3. If you do happen to find yourself at the mall or out shopping, the surplus of people there can be very intimidating. To preserve your personal space, invest in an actual bubble, such as a life sized hamster ball. This way, no stranger can breathe down your neck, and better yet, you can just bowl over anyone who stands in your way. Not to mention all the exercise you will get, you’ll be burning off all those calories you’ll be eating this holiday season.
  4. Then there’s the dreaded moment when you get a terrible gift. Well, a fool-proof method is to run to the nearest trashcan and slam dunk the gift. The gift giver will be so impressed by your dunking skills they won’t even be offended you just threw their gift away. It’s a win-win.

If you follow these tips to a tee, you are sure to survive your holiday season. If you don’t, your holiday season may be a disaster.

Written by Lindy Verhage

Lindy is a Senior at MC and the Sun's Editor in Chief. She enjoys long-winded, antiquated idioms, big dogs that think they are small dogs, and traveling to local bookstores. She is an ambidextrous ice cream scooper and advocator of siestas.

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