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Here is Rudolph Now; Feel Old Yet?

The famous Christmas song “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer” is a classic, memorized and loved by Christmas enthusiasts everywhere. The story goes as follows: Rudolph’s peculiar red nose leads to bullying and harassment by Santa Clause’s other reindeer. When Mr. Clause notices, he promotes Rudolph to the head of the sleigh, allegedly, in an effort to console him. 

Rudolph before he lost the light in his eyes|Photo courtesy of The Boston Globe

But years later, after Mr.Clause granted him the promotion, Rudolph is still stuck in North Pole corporate! All the other reindeer have moved on, as they had no binding contracts, but Rudolph is old, grumpy, and stagnant.

“Ok, here’s the thing,” Rudolph said in an interview with The North Pole Gossip. “I was just a teenager back then. For a child, an extra few bucks never seem like they could do any harm, eh? Well, boy was I wrong. All the other reindeer moved on, settled down at less demanding jobs, got married, had kids, and they even bought condos in the Hamptons– oh by the way my back pain is killing me, you got any aspirin?”

Evidently, at the time of the promotion, Rudolph had not anticipated what was to come of the deal. He is bound by subsection 90 under law 135, which states, “All personnel promoted under due process of North Pole Court into corporate positions, must serve a life sentence of servitude for the Clauses.”

Rudolph was too naive to read the fine print. In all fairness, literary comprehension is not his strong suit; after all, he does have a giant red nose obscuring his vision. “Yeah yeah, whatevah, so what, I didn’t read the law before I took the job, I was 18 for Blitzen’s sake #santasux #guideyourownsleightonight,” Rudolph tweeted once the laws behind the agreement leaked.

Since the promotion, Rudolph has been living every day like the day before; he is trapped in a constant cycle of waking up, eating carrots, carrying Mr. Clause around for hours and hours, eating more carrots, crying, and eventually, sleeping. On top of it all, he is forced to put on a smiling face for the North Pole visitors every winter.

Rudolph, at age 81, taking pictures with the sticky children|Photo courtesy of the Sandton Chronicle

“Those evil kids, I tell ya! You know what the first thing they say to me is? It’s not hello, it’s NEVER how are you! They always greet me with a, ‘You’re much uglier in real life.’ Well yeah no duh! I was a child, a literal child when the photos of me went viral. I am now an 81-year-old reindeer,  with chronic osteoporosis, and basically a serf to Santa,” Rudolph said. “How the h-e-double hockey sticks am I supposed to look pretty?!”

It is clear that poor old Rudolph peaked in his teens, and is paying the price for the mistakes of his past. 

Rudolph’s heart-wrenching story was leaked on Twitter last Christmas and has since racked up about 250,000 retweets. An initiative to save Rudolph from his corporate life called, “Rudolph the corporate slave reindeer,” or “#RCSR,” raised around 12,000 dollars to save Rudolph from Mr. Clause’s cruel ways. Others have made attempts to cut trade with the North Pole, refusing to send Mr. Clause his cookies and milk until Rudolph was freed. 

All these initiatives, however, have proved to be useless. Mr. Clause’s elves make everything he needs, and as for the money raised for Rudolph, 12,000 dollars pales in comparison to the billions Rudolph toys raise in North Pole revenue every year. As a reaction, Mr. Clause issued the following statement to the protestors: 

Mr. Clause’s soulless eyes|Photo courtesy of Deposit Photos

“On the topic of Rudolph, You better watch out. You better not cry. You better not pout. I’m telling you why. Santa Claus is gonna, sue you!” Clause said.

Besides, all efforts, whether secret or public, are easily counteracted by Mr. Clause. After all, he sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake, so you better not plot a plan to “Save Rudolph,” for goodness sake!

About Roaa Alkhawaja

Roaa Alkhawaja
Junior and Opinions/Sunburn Editor, Ro'aa Alkhawaja, loves herself a good week of binge-watching It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia and eating more Nutella sandwiches than should be humanly possible.

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One comment

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    Ro’aa this is insanely hilarious! Thank you so much for brightening my day 🙂

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