Tatum Tricarico
December 25th is the reminder for families worldwide to let their guards down and chow down with distant cousins in the spirit of Old St. Nick. Now, some people might believe that each family is different and special, but in reality, every family has the same crazy relatives that make the holidays fun or miserable, depending on their outlook:
#1 The crazy grandma: This is the grandma who pinches your cheeks as you walk in the door. She makes inappropriate comments offending many of the other family members, but claims that her old age allows her to say whatever she wants. All of the family laughs at her and the dinner is usually at her house decorated with things just as crazy as she is.
#2 The “wise” grandpa: This is the husband of the crazy grandma. He makes up for his wife’s lack of common sense with his amazing intelligence. Usually he spends the evening reading the paper with his huge glasses on, but during his few breaks, he is telling you and the rest of your family how he or she could have amounted to so much more in life.
#3 The drunk uncle: Beer in hand, he walks through the door guarding his liquor instead of his belongings. This eclectic kinsmen ultimately ends up passed out on the couch, or even worse, dancing with the crazy grandma.
#4 The bossy aunt: This is the woman who thinks that she is in charge of the entire celebration even though it is not at her house. She assigns everyone jobs and seats and makes it even more uncomfortable. But who really knows what side of the plate the spoon goes on? She lets no one else do anything, but then complains for the rest of the year that no one helped her.
#5 The perfect older cousin: This is the brilliant, athletic, beautiful cousin that always hogs all of the attention. They are perfect in everyone’s eyes and can do no wrong, even though you know they’re really just a brat.
#6 The annoying younger cousins who may or may not be twins: These are the little kids that are running around wreaking havoc the entire time you’re trying to get your sentimental side on to Michael Buble’s Christmas tunes. What is even worse is that they follow you around the entire time yelling, “Please play with me” and everyone gets mad when you don’t.
#7 The parent who is trying to impress his or her family: This is the parent that transforms into the respectable and collected adult he or she, for the most part, isn’t. The moment relatives come flocked in red and green, he or she goes out of the way to impress them by being fake and annoying.
#8 The parent who doesn’t want to be with the in-laws: This parent spends most of his or her time on the couch avoiding contact. Every time they see you they complain about the craziness of their spouse’s family. Most of the time they end up getting in an argument with the “wise” grandpa about their amazing assets, or sometimes even in a fight with the crazy grandma which usually ends in flying food.
#9 The sibling everyone compares you to: The entire evening is spent with your family telling you that you should be more like your thriving, amazing sibling and that you are a failure. You know the real truth about that sibling that would make them change their mind but you are too scared to tell it.
#10 And last but not least, there is you. The average one who is stuck in the middle of all of the chaos. Good luck to you this holiday season as you brave this crazy dinner experience.
