Millions gathered outside of their homes in Austin, Dallas, San Antonio, and other metropolitan areas throughout Texas in a frantic attempt to try to clear the snowy skies that appeared over the state last week.
“We’ve to clear the skies in every way possible,” Texas resident Gloria Nunca Nieve said. “Them news agencies always report us shooting the skies, but we use other methods as well. We also use thoughts and prayers, for example.”
While electricity has been knocked out throughout swaths of Texas, residents are still using ingenious methods of getting rid of the snow.
“When the prayer and shooting didn’t work, I decided to try the opposite approach. I borrowed a neighbor’s generator to charge my cell phone, and then went onto Twitter to cancel the snowstorm,” Austin resident George McHart said.
“Previously, I was a total anti-cancel culture right-winger. I voted for Ted Cruz in 2012, frequently posted on 4chan and 8chan, and cast my vote for Donald Trump in 2016,” McHart said. “However, this snowstorm got me to reconsider my political beliefs. When I started the #cancelTexassnow hashtag, the snowstorm soon started to dissipate in my area. So, I thought, if my cancelling could fix this problem, what couldn’t it fix?” McHart said. Overall, McHart says this snowstorm has given him “a giant change of heart.”
The snow storm led to him to create a Tumblr profile, and alongside it, several cancel hashtags for coronavirus, deforestation, and eventually advocating the cancellation of the entire human race.
Whether they are trying to solve the Texas snowstorm through cancelling it, shooting at it, or praying it away, all Texans have one common belief; the snowstorm was in no way caused by their own irresponsible lifestyle and carbon footprint.
“Look, I may drive around a vintage Toyota from 2008 with a broken carbon filter and use a triple monitor, RTX enabled, RGB keyboard gaming computer that I use to argue with people on the Internet for 18 hours a day while getting my electricity from a horribly unsustainable oil power plant, but the global warming that caused this and other climatic disasters of the past decade is everyone elses’ fault,” McHart said.
“Global warming’s just a bunch of tontas cosas created by them Chinese anyway. Even if it was real, it’s our right to drive cars made in 1971 and spend 160 hours a week on oil or coal powered electronics, destroying our bodies and the planet,” Nunca Nieve said, followed by her pumping a shotgun. “Now, if you excuse me, I’ve noticed an area a couple of miles from here with pristine wildlife.”
Sancherz proceeded to enter a Volvo V90, which gets approximately 26 miles per gallon, and drive about 2 miles.
Currently, the Texas state government stated that it would not give affected areas aid as to not “interfere with the will of the markets.”
“As Republicans, it is against our party guidelines to interfere with the will of the free market. If that means letting hundreds freeze without power or water, that’s the will of the market. We are as hands off as possible,” Texas governor Greg Abbott said.
Abbott soon left the press conference, saying he needed to lobby against abortionists.
As tragic this situation has been, almost everyone agrees that “hey, what are the odds that something like this will happen again? Probably low enough for us not to worry about it.”