Photo courtesy CNBC

Americans upset Biden hasn’t solved everything

Currently, millions of Americans are outraged at the problems the United States is facing. Despite Joe Biden having been inaugurated a whole week ago, Americans are still facing probably the biggest crisis of the 21st century, that we could have never predicted since we didn’t see similar events 2002, 2009, and 2014.

“Look, it’s been a week. Why are we still dealing with the COVID pandemic? I expected to be with my friends by now!” Harold Shwartz, a bartender in Lemon Grove, California said. “I just can’t believe it.”

Shwartz, who still has to deal with a short-tempered landlord for his studio apartment, cruddy Wi-Fi that often kicks him out of the  Google Meets calls he has with parents, and the noxious smell of the cleaning supplies he uses to make sure his bar isn’t shut down by health authorities,  is one of the many Americans who have concluded that they threw away their vote in November.

“The Ebola outbreak was basically over a week after the 2014 midterms had concluded, and this is the presidency. Honestly, I was surprised the virus hadn’t vanished by the 23rd of January,” CDC virologist Sarah Partman said. “So much for that new cabinet, Mr. Biden might as well have gotten IKEA furniture,” Partman said.

Along with the COVID pandemic inconveniencing the lives of millions, citizens are also upset at the fact America isn’t the sole global superpower and has triumphed over every authoritarian regime of past, present and future.

“Honestly, the fact that this man, despite being in power for seven days, hasn’t halted the rise of authoritarianism abroad, is just insulting,” Janice Hicks, a political analyst from Harvard said. 

Hicks, who has commented on the effectiveness of anti-authoritarian measures of every president since Bush ‘89, is not only having a slight existential crisis on the fact she’s been doing this for over 30 years, but also says that “this is the worst administration when it comes to halting authoritarianism I’ve seen. Probably. I don’t know, 2003-2017 was a blur. Wait, we had a black president?”

The Biden administration made an announcement saying around the lines of, “geez guys, give me at least until the 2022 midterm elections.” What was actually said was lost to history, since Biden hasn’t fixed the laziness of the average American.

Written by Grant West

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