A remedy for the dangers of the eclipse

The following article is meant only as satire. We do not advise anything in the article. See a professional for any serious problems.

Maybe staring directly at the sun wasn’t the brightest idea. While seeing an eclipse is a special event, you did not need severly damage your eyes to experience it to its fullest extent. Worry not, you can join the million of other Americans seeking treatment for that burning sensation panging in your retina. Here are some solutions to alleviate your pain.

First, apply sunscreen onto the cornea of your eyes. After all, prevention is the best medicine, and you want to halt any further damage. While spray is still useful, traditional sunscreen is preferred. Find the highest SPF possible and rub gently on your eyes.

Following that, directly reversing your actions is the most effective treatment. NASA astronomers suggest that since the moon is the opposite of the sun, it would be a potent medicine. With Halloween coming, there has never been a better time to unlock your inner werewolf. For best results, gaze for the entire night at the new moon.

If these methods do not appear to be making progress, more drastic measures must be taken. Using magnification will help to get a better view of the moon. Drive to your nearest astronomical observatory; the less security, the better. Keep in mind that even this may not be enough. Bringing backup magnifying glasses or binoculars to look through the telescope can be very beneficial as well.

Under no circumstance should you give up, determination is the key to success with this routine. Do not fall into the trap of going to an ophthalmologists, since laser surgery and other procedures are expensive and ineffective. Besides, even if your eyes get irreparable damage, you’ll have a cool imprint of the eclipse on your eyes.

Written by Johny Tran

Johny is a person, maybe.

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