The Bachelor: Elderly Edition

DEF’s new business venture, The Bachelor: Elderly Edition is a smash hit with silver foxes and vixens alike. The show was created by Paul Swartz who, after receiving a very lonely text from his grandmother, decided old people were ready for some fanservice of their own. 

“Old people have always been neglected in the entertainment world,” Swartz said. “It’s time we gave the elderly some eye candy for once.”

The latest episode saw the illustrious wrinkled and eligible bachelor of this season, Cecil Johnson, reject the voluptuous and equally creased 78-year-old Eleanor White after the widow fell asleep on their movie date. 

“When Cecil decided to kick Eleanor off I was floored!” said grandmother Gertrude, “Sure she fell asleep, but who hasn’t been there before! Eleanor had curves! Cecil’s a fool.” 

Outraged Viewer | Photo Courtesy of imgflip

Instead of going with the pruned and curvaceous Eleanor, Cecil did something no one expected. He chose the show’s infamous Old Hag who last week sabotaged her fellow contestants by suggesting they see who’s the best dancer.

“80% of them have walkers, canes, or wheelchairs! How could someone be so cruel! Maybe the young people were right,” said an anonymous old folks home inhabitant.  

However despite the intense drama, The Bachelor: Elderly Edition is about to wrap up it’s first season and everyone is on edge for who Cecil will pick. 

“He better pick a good Christian woman,” Gretchen Thornberry said. “These shows are too often made for lust. I want to see some good Christian love.”

The massive success of The Bachelor: Elderly Edition has prompted DEF to announce the next season, as well as an eventual Bachelorette: Elderly Edition

Eligible Bachelor | Photo Courtesy of Deposit Photos & TV Guide (Photoshopped by Colin O’Malley)

“This show has been met with such extraordinary success!” Swartz said. “We constantly get letters from old people praising our efforts! We’ve had letters from some who claim the show has  alleviated their loneliness and others beg to be put on the next season to add some spice into their lives.” 

In the end, as DEF continues to profit due to the immobility of the elderly, The Bachelor: Elderly Edition will continue to be a TV staple for years to come.  

Written by Colin O'Malley

Colin O'Malley is a senior at Mt. Carmel and in charge of the Entertainment section of The Sun.

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