Abigail Liu
As we roll into the second month of 2021, college season is finally coming to an end for seniors, making it the perfect time to communicate the intimate secrets of their future four-year home. Juniors, take notes. If you are reading this as a sophomore, you give me Berkeley vibes. If you are a freshman, close the window. You won’t get these jokes. Go watch TikTok.
UC Berkeley
- The good school that the actual good schools pick last for kickball.
- The epitome of, “I hate my family.”
- “We’re Berkeley, not UCB.”
- Hates CalTech because they are Berkeley but better and UCSD because UCSD is a punk.
- Hates UCLA because they’re the #1 public school, but is friendly to them in hopes of being able to play kickball.
- The place where that annoying tryhard in science class went.
- The mean liberals.
UCSD
- UCSD = UC Socially Dead. Alternatively, UC Stressed and Depressed or UC Scam Diego.
- The one that convinces the good schools to leave UC Berkeley out of kickball.
- Calls UC Berkeley UCB to annoy Berkeley.
- Great place for parties, but they don’t know what parties are.
- Close to the beach, but they’re afraid of sand.
- *cries in Computer Science*
- Speaks fluently in Reddit and nine different programming languages.
UCLA
- UCLA = University of Caucasians Lost among Asians
- Picked first for kickball, but was rejected from UC Berkeley.
- Every day is leg day.
- The only UC that has an art school. Alternatively, the only school that can support dips in their overall GPA.
- *Hollywood*
UC Davis
- Off-brand Cal Poly SLO.
- UCD = UC Didn’t get into LA or Berkeley.
- Smells like a cow.
- *speaks for the cows*
- The college for farmers,cow-enthusiasts, and hermits who don’t mind cows.
UCSB
- The only UC that knows what a party is.
- “Living on-campus” actually means waking up on the beach.
- “I bike. Do you bike? Let’s go biking.”
UC Irvine
- “Living on-campus” means… what does ‘on-campus’ mean?
- *Disneyland*
- No one respects their mascot.
- High School Musical minus the sports and attractive students… basically just a lot of dancing.
- The school for students that disappointed their parents.
UC Santa Cruz
- *speaks for the trees*
- It’s impossible to respect their mascot.
- Penny boards
- That place with nice weather.
- The artistic students that couldn’t get into UCLA.
- The hippy liberals.
UC Riverside
- Irvine without Disneyland
- UCR = University of California Rejects
- Good music taste though.
- Goes to the gym because there’s nothing else to do.
- Riverside = Ripped and Raves
UC Merced
- What’s that?
- No one has heard of the school. No one has heard of the city.
- If you get rejected from UC Riverside.
- The little sibling that gets left in the McDonald’s ball pit.
UC San Francisco
- Wait, there’s a UC San Francisco?
- I don’t even know what to say about this school.
- I didn’t know it existed until I started writing this article.
Stereotyping is bad, kids. Unless they are right, in which case this is, so have a laugh.
