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Tom Brady Wins the Superbowl… Again

Former New England Patriots Quarterback (QB) and present day Tampa Bay Buccaneers QB, Tom Brady, just won his seventh Tom Brady Show, or in more archaic terms, the Super Bowl. Most can’t tell the difference, so both titles can be used interchangeably. He is in the lead for the most rings ever won by a QB in the NFL. 

NFL QB Tom Brady | Photo Courtesy: Clutch Points

Many argue he is the “G.O.A.T”. He undoubtedly is, because the Guys Offense Always gets Touchdowns. He has won 7 Super Bowls total,  1 with the Buccaneers and 6 with the Patriots. He has also been to 10 Super Bowls, which is also the most by any player in NFL history.  

20 years into his football career, Brady faced a lot of obstacles this year due to moving to a new team and getting used to new teammates. He also faced playing in the midst of the pandemic, but that is not anywhere as important as making sure the football had just the right amount of air in it.

Tom Brady’s pigskins he deflated | Photo Courtesy: Youtube

There was speculation that the Weeknd’s halftime show was dedicated and performed just for Brady. Dancer, Hy Kick, came forward to share some information that was supposed to stay confidential.

“Ok so I have some tea that was just too juicy not to spill. Word on the street is every song the Weeknd performed had a secret massage that applied to Brady.” Kick said, while being interviewed for news channel, Spill The Tea. “Like, the song Earned It was about the way Brady plays “makes it look like it’s magic” and that he has “Earned” the win for his team. And the song Starboy is all about how Brady is the Star of the NFL. And lastly Blinded By The Lights is obviously about how everyone is blinded by all the bling Brady now wears on his  fingers, plural, seven total”. 

The Weeknd serenading Tom Brady | Photo Courtesy: NY Post

Because of Brady’s age and his repetitive wins, fans are thinking there is something Brady is not sharing with us. Super fan and theorologist, Piggy Skin has been following Brady over the years throughout his career and has come up with her own explanations.

“It is just humanly impossible for someone to be that good at football so I have come to the conclusion that Brady is part machine, part human. He also has probably been cloned too, and that is why he has been able to have a career in the NFL 5 times longer than the average player,” Skin said. 

Super Fan Tracy Brady (she is not related, just such a super fan she even changed her last name to Brady) wanted to share her own conspiracy and  thinks she knows what happened when Brady was accused of deflating the football in the 2019 Superb-… Tom Brady Show.

“I heard Piggy Skin’s conspiracy and just had to share my own. If Brady is allegedly part machine, does that mean his kids are part machine too? And if he is part machine maybe that explains why the ball was allegedly deflated during the 2019 Super Bowl. He just threw it too hard and when he was questioned about it instead of revealing his true identity, he decided to take the suspension over a potential existential identity revealing crisis of what he really was… part G.O.A.T.,” Brady said. “And maybe the conspiracy that he was part machine was to hide the fact that he was really part G.O.A.T. all along.”

Tom Brady In His True Form? | Photo Courtesy: The Mad Satirist

Dietician and trainer Ketyl Bell thinks she knows the food that makes Brady so successful in what he does.

“I hear he diets and exercises extremely well. To be the best, you gotta eat the best, so I assume he eats goat every night for dinner. Maybe a goat smoothie in the morning for breakfast. Or he is probably part goat himself,” Bell said. 

Sports reporter Feeled Goal was able to pull off getting into the top secret auction that the NFL hosts every year. Of course you haven’t heard of it, it is top secret for a reason. 

“Put Brady on any team and obviously they’re going to win. I heard that there was a top secret auction called the Who Will Buy Their Way to Winning the Super Bowl? Basically the only prize auctioned off is Tom Brady himself. This year the Buccaneers bid the highest on him,” Goal said. “The Patriots did not even bother attending because Brady really put them on a run for their money for the last six years. Obviously you don’t win games with practice and hard work, you win with Brady. Teams were bidding like their lives depended on it.” 

Most are looking forward to the NFL playoffs next year, but  it is obvious what is going to happen. Many have, very wisely, began marking the date on their calendars for the 2022 Tom Brady Show, next year, in January.

About Kamara White

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Kamara White is a sophomore and a new writer on staff this year. She enjoys trying new foods, listening to music, running, and watching Netflix. She plays club volleyball at WAVE and is on Varsity for MC.

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