Since the beginnings of the vegan movement, society has struggled to rehabilitate the poor souls who go without animal products. The disease, however, is only growing stronger, gripping our brothers and sisters, uncles and aunts, and hippie cousins. The most recent symptom has raised incredible awareness for the plight of the vegans. Local vegan Kayle Soyman is an example of the condition afflicting vegans anywhere.
“I was at a family dinner and my grandma asked about my plans for college,” Soyman said. “And suddenly, I forgot all about my dream to go into biology. I blurted, ‘I’m a vegan,’ even though it had nothing to do with the conversation.”
This was only the beginning of Soyman’s spiraling self control. She found herself announcing her veganism in every setting, whether or not it was appropriate.
“Whenever I meet new people, I can’t stop myself from introducing myself as vegan,” Soyman said. “I don’t even say my name anymore!”
Dr. Chuck Sirloin, leading researcher in the race to find a cure for veganism, has worked tirelessly to understand this phenomenon.
“When people first lapse into veganism, their brain function drops significantly,” Sirloin said. “The idea of being vegan consumes the frontal lobe, replacing conventional speech patterns. Vegans lose their ability to converse with others and pick up on social cues as their veganism becomes their defining quality.”
Vegans everywhere are suffering this loss of control. Whole Foods manager Wendy Thomas has witnessed the tragedy unfold.
“Recently, my employees have been coming into my office simply to say, ‘I’m a vegan,’” Thomas said. “Like, I know that. That’s why they were hired in the first place. It’s just sad to watch them devolve into such a helpless state.”
Marriages have fallen apart, with veganism threatening even the most tight-knit families. San Diego resident Robert Flax displayed severe symptoms when he brought up his veganism at a loved one’s funeral.
“I first saw the signs of acute veganism when Bobby said, ‘I’m a vegan’ during his wedding vows,” Karen Flax, his wife of three years, said. “I just never thought it would get this bad. It’s something you see on TV. You just never expect it to happen to someone you love.”
We all continue to keep these vegans in our prayers as they battle their impulses.