How To Get Away With New Year’s Resolutions

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As 2015 picks up, people everywhere are promising to make changes, to be better. Whether it’s losing weight or quitting smoking, people look to this year with greater optimism than they had with previous years.. Here are some helpful tips for cruising on Resolution Road.

  1. Instead of dieting, watch Food Network, develop your cooking skills, and feed everything you make to your peers. Their weight gain will make you seem thinner, relatively. By fattening up the rest of population, you’ll see yourself slide comfortably into the healthy weight range.

  2. Exercise is a scam made up by Jane Fonda to sell DVDs. Don’t resolve to build your body; resolve to not fall for corporate traps. If you really want to tone those quads, make your mom drop you off at MC’s front entrance two minutes before your first period class in the U building. Can a gym offer you the motivation of escaping Raskin’s pool noodle? Probably not.

  3. Want to cut down on hours of watching TV? Don’t. TV is great. Sure maybe it “rots the brain” or whatever, but do you really want to be the only person in the world who is not following How To Get Away With Murder? Because that seems like a cold and lonely life, my friend.

  4. Procrastinators who made resolutions to stop procrastinating: there’s always next year.

  5. Spending more family time is great, but maybe this year steer clear of Family Game Night. “Monopoly sounds like a great idea,” said every dad right before his household was torn apart. You know what’s fun and doesn’t end in family death threats? Watching How To Get Away With Murder on Tuesdays at 10 pm.

  6. Students often make resolutions to get better grades, especially those who are stacking up GPA points for college. Instead of poring over those books for hours, just play the QuizUp Educational category. Nothing puts on the pressure like realizing your opponent in World History is #4 in the entire country of Romania.

  7. Save money in 2015 by switching from Lucky Charms and Cheerios to those Vons brand rip-off cereals with names like “Marshmallow Puff Shapes in Rice Crisps” and “Oat Holes.” I promise, they taste the same, and are usually on sale.

  8. Want to pick up an instrument, like guitar or sax? Well, that’s difficult and unnecessary. All the people who know how to play instruments emerged from the womb like that, anyway. With a free Piano for iPhone app, you can impress friends, family, and love interests, by simply  tapping the screen to the beat of a Mozart piece.

  9. If you’re searching for the love of your life: why? What could anyone possibly give you that you can’t give yourself? Romance is expensive and makes others uncomfortable, all while wasting time that you could be spending catching up on How To Get Away With Murder on Hulu.

  10. “Being happy” is a popular resolution as well. Fortunately for you, happiness is easy to achieve, simply follow the steps above and listen to “Shake it Off” by Taylor Swift every once in a while (don’t pretend you don’t love it).

So go ahead, make 2015 great. Go with the flow, wear those hater blockers, whatever the youths are saying these days. So don’t feel guilty about putting off your homework for How To Get Away With Murder, because 2015 is the year of you.

Written by Annie Price

Annie is a senior and a co-editor-in-chief for the MC Sun. Her hobbies include dodging questions about her future, driving on an empty tank of gas, and forcing people to look at pictures of her dogs.

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