Say cheese (and crackers)!

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The artificial cheese revolution is upon us.
It’s been a long time coming, with the infamous Cheez-Its dating all the way back to 1921. Cheetos and Doritos, notorious for their explosive orange powder flavoring, followed in the mid-1900s. In more recent years, however, a new trend in cheese snacks have risen in popularity.
Animals. Crunchy, cheddar- flavored, tiny animals, easy to snack on and great for laughs. Goldfish were first produced in 1962, and they quickly became a staple in the American child’s diet as “the snack that smiles back.”
The real controversy started at the turn of the century with Annie’s Cheddar Bunnies, a whole wheat, healthier alternative to a cheesy cracker animal.
“They ripped the idea off of us,” Pepperidge Farm CEO John Harris said. “Fish were on this earth far longer than bunnies were, and the same goes for our snacks. Cute little bunnies? It’s all a scheme.”
Annie Williams of Annie’s Bunnies fought back with her own explanation of the adorable snack.
“I love bunnies, and I love cheese,” Williams said. “Of course I began mass-producing bite-size snacks. What other way is there to live?”
Harris’ fury had barely died down when another company swam in to attack his Goldfish empire.
“F*** whales,” Harris said, in response to a recent uprising of whale-shaped snack crackers being sold at Walmart.
Stauffer’s cheesy Whales are being viewed as a direct attack on Goldfish’s marketing strategies.
“We’ve been producing fish-shaped cheese crackers for decades, and these mammal-lovers come in with their blowholes and melon-craniums and try to rip that away from us,” Harris said.
Stauffer’s executive director Herman Melville released a brief public statement last month regarding the situation.
“At least whales don’t eat their own children,” Melville said.
The world anxiously awaits the next chapter in this sharp-as-cheddar drama.

Written by Annie Price

Annie is a senior and a co-editor-in-chief for the MC Sun. Her hobbies include dodging questions about her future, driving on an empty tank of gas, and forcing people to look at pictures of her dogs.

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