Hug distribution at an all-time low

Photo Courtesy| Hugging for survival
Photo Courtesy|
Hugging for survival

A raging epidemic has taken root at MC. It has been discovered that the disease correlates to a lack of hugs.

According to Dr. Harry Harris MD, the average teenager should receive a minimum of 17 hugs a day.
A poll at MC showed that only 18 percent of students are meeting this quota. In fact, 36 percent receive between six and ten hugs a day.
What’s most startling is the 54 percent who accumulate less than five hugs each day.
Studies show that hug-deprivation, more commonly known as ‘hugenemiaraptorfunjunctisomnitis’ triggers a large variation of serious symptoms.
These include anxiety, tremors, exhaustion, excess salivation, muscle spasms, uncontrolled yelling outbursts, depression, rapid increase in energy, loss of taste, cold sweats, and speech being limited to song lyrics.
“I was fine about a week ago, week ago,” junior Kevin Brown said. “Yesterday I noticed something was wrong, and I just couldn’t shake it off, shake it off.”
One student has a rare case where he can only quote Drake songs.
“I went from zero to one hundred, real quick,” senior Jordan Fisher said. “I tried not to think about it too much, too much, too much. But nothing was the same,”
The only known cure for this condition is to intake a large multitude of hugs to build up a strong hug basis.
The principal has made it mandatory for teachers to grant each student a hug on their way into and out of the classroom.
“We call it a hug assembly line,” Craig Mango said. “Each student should receive at least two hugs per class, and with most students taking five classes, that adds up to ten hugs,”.
As for the other seven hugs, students are encouraged to hug one another during break and passing period. Even hugging people you don’t know could save lives.
In consideration for antisocialists, doctors are still working to formulate a hug supplement vitamin, although their progressions are coming along rather slowly.
Until a new cure can be found, we must take precautions and continue to give hugs to prevent this disease from spreading further.

Written by Chloe Heinz

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