Morgan Lanyon
As the new school year begins to pick up the pace, students are noticing a significant loss in the school. This loss is evident: the lack of pizza strips.
On the first day of school, students went to buy their favorite lunch item only to learn it was removed from the lunch list. Some students who were more interested in the disappearance decided to investigate the reason behind it.
What they found shocked them beyond repair. Their beloved pizza strip is under investigation by the FDA due to two accounts of brain damage, brought on by the consumption of pizza strips.
Joe Gonzales and Tina Lee are both undergoing extensive studies at Pomerado hospital after having eaten pepperoni pizza strips during the previous school year.
Gonzales who, as of recently, was a sophomore at RBHS, collapsed after leaving his math class on June 2, right before the school year got out for summer. He was rushed to Pomerado hospital, where after undergoing testing, it was wad found that the problem was in his diet. This case reminded the doctors of one that was brought to them only a few months previous.
Tina Lee, who was a junior at MCHS, was brought in on April 6 after blacking out during her lacrosse practice, and not coming to. She was taken to Pomerado, where neurosurgeon Dr. Ned Langley began to perform tests on her.
“We discovered that Miss Lee had a significant amount of neoplasm in her cerebrum,” Langley said. “This led us to look into her diet.”
What the doctors found would lead them on a wild hunt to reach the FDA.
“We discovered that the source of the neoplasm was in the pepperoni pizza strips that the school district sells,” Langley said. “This neoplasm attaches itself to the cells moving to the brain, and the neoplasm would then make a home in the cerebrum. Tina Lee ate just enough pizza strips for the amount of neoplasm to be evident in the brain, and she collapsed from the pressure.”
Although the doctors found the source, they were unsure if it was a pattern in all schools until Joe Gonzales arrived at Pomerado hospital.
“When I got his medical records, I knew we had a large problem on our hands,” Langley said.
These two cases were brought to both the school district and the FDA, and the pepperoni pizza strips were removed in time for the 2014-2015 school year.
“It was a relief that this was taken care of, and now all we need to focus on is the patients,” Langley said.
Gonzales and Lee are slowly recovering. Lee has woken up and has started to take trips to the lawn of the hospital, and Dr. Langley is positive Gonzales is close to consciousness.
“It is truly a miracle that we found the source, and in the end prevented this from happening again,” Langley said.
Note: This article is satire, and if something is wrong with your health it is not from pizza strips.
